TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have An additional put wherever American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide All people a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits Trump Tower Damascus right after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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